I remember hot summer days, walking off of the track in summer school. I checked behind me to see if Cody was behind me. 

He was perfect. I thought for sure, I was was Gabriela and he was my Troy. (Yes, I did make a High School Musical reference.) At least, he was a blonde basketball player-  and I knew he could sing. 

But there was Tess. 

Equally tall and blond- but unlike me, beautiful and charming.

 "Gold hair with a gentle curl... she who's winsome- she wins him".

Sharpay won that time. Gabriela continued singing solo.

Troy's smiles stopped coming my way- and went hers. Who was I to interfere with their middle class, blue eyed fairy tale? I felt like I was Taylor Swift watching Drew fall for someone else-

while I was the girl next door.

I swallowed my pride and kept running. 

I ran straight back into the loving arms of a band family where- as all good incestuous band family members do- I fell in love with my best friend. Twice. 

One loved another girl- the other loved dope. Both at one point had every ounce of caring I could offer, yet never took it. They chose something else.

I try everything- I grow my hair out, listen to every type of music, aspire to be tri-lingual, wear constricting skinny jeans- all in hope that some man would look twice (Other than the forty year old dad who wears Gap polos and coaches little league). I gag at Barbie girls who wear red lipstick and yoga pants that frame their asses if they were the Mona Lisa.

But... they have really hot Asian boyfriends that they've been with for a year.

I don't have a thing for Asian boys, but I do have a tad of confusion as to why I feel jealous 

of whatever...it... is- the it that gets the attention. 

I won't even start the whole bull of "I don't need a boyfriend- I'm happy without one." That's a load. We shouldn't find our identity in any one person, but we are programmed to want love and acceptance from members of the opposing sex. Maybe I'm not in the ideal place for it, or mature enough to handle it- but I still want it. 

Again and again, I watch myself back down to girls that have whatever 'it' is. It's not that I think I'm inferior in some way... but there's a lack of something. Maybe I'm just not one of those girls that can walk into a bar and have five drinks ordered for her. Maybe I'll never be magnetic.

But maybe I'll just fall into the same old trap. Maybe I'll fall for what's comfortable and known.-

Maybe, just maybe, I'll find that guy who always gets overlooked- not because he's not good looking, but because girls have always failed to see all he could be. 

I Wish You Were Here.

Music floats around the room like a pesky child- everyone loves it, but no one wants it around at that moment.
The tree is still waiting to go up. Goosebumps settle on my defiant legs, while I stare out the window, and then to the couch.

I thought surely by this year, you'd be here. We'd be sitting on that couch with my head on your chest.

Flakes like ash drop limply like a March rain- not exactly romantic, but still a promise of change to come.
Everyone is shouting. Everything smells funny. The tab that says Facebook occupies my eyes every minute of so.

In case I get a notification from you. Any sign you are alive. Or on this continent or not. Or if you are radically a stranger, or as close as a brother.

I laugh with my mom at stupid things. I give my dad sympathetic looks. I reason with my sisters, and torment my brother.

What is your family like? Do you miss them? Do you know them? Are you with them?

They say this is the most wonderful time of the year. I see people falling in love on every TV show, getting back together in every movie. Love being sparked, or found, or reignited.

But where are you?

Crear, Creer

Looking at the entire planet, some see an accident- others see a work of art. In leaves, shades of skin, snowflakes unique as personalities, and waterfalls some see chance. 

I see a father. A maker.

In the car yesterday, listening to the weekly Top 20, I came upon a theory of the image of God.

In Genesis, God tells us that we are made in His image- but what does this really mean? Does t mean that we look like him? Sonud like him? Speak the same language? 

What drives our lives? The desire to create. We create structures- design shelter and things that are asthetically pleasing. We paint and take photographs- we capture moments so we will remember them. We sing and create instruments and write- our of our imaginations. 

We build relationships- forge bonds, attempt to design families. We do ridiculous things to create connections and love. Everything we do is an attempt to create- a purpose, a life, a happiness.

Perhaps this is what He meant by making us in His own image- not an appearance, but a desire. The desire to form something and to be praised for it and therefore be fulfilled by it.

Think about it- no mattewr where you are, you're trying to create something- if nothing, a better self. That in and of itself is done by creating a new attitude and  perhaps a new habit or two.

Although me will never be able to make mountains by breathing over land, or paint a sunset, we will still all try to create just as our creator did. We will never grasp his reasons- but what reason does music have? We will never be able to tell what features of it's parents a baby will have. But we can paint it's likeness. We have so little control over so many aspects of life, yet we still try to guess at things we cannot fathom.

"So who are we to conquer?

Shouldn’t we the weak ones

Fall to our knees in awe

Of the maker of it all?"

What does it mean to those of us who are given the gift of creativity?

The novelists, the sculptors, the photographers, "hairbrush singers, dashboard drummers".

Are we set apart in some way? Does our ability make half of us embrace the designer of the things that inspire us, and half of us reject him because of the brokeness we encounter in them? All of the artists I know are completely submersed in either opinion. They either overflow with the joy that comes from a faith that grows with the obseravnce of what God has done, or reject Him. More often than not, from a sheer intelligence that goes beyond a typical human capacity to think on eternity and reason with moral concepts. They see the world through different eyes, that lunge at proof for the things they do believe in.

I have no idea why. This is simply an observation.

Do what you want with it. 

Pintor de Cielo- Anna Olsen
Crazy Dreams- Carrie Underwood

The Gardener

The largest, brownest leaf scuffles along the sidewalk in front of me, bumping the ground like
a lover's feet trying to catch the train
or a little boy desperate to score the winning point
and make his mommy proud.
The wind rips at my hair, as if it's begging and pulling me to leave this place with it.
As far in the sky as I can fathom, I see white birds- cranes, perhaps- sailing to some southern land
You guys, wait for me!
Goosebumps fill every inch of my skin. I can smell the autumn leaving.
I can taste frost in the air, and looks from my fellow students tell me
that we're not escaping the inevitable.
The smallest ashes fall. A faint memory crosses my mind
A quiet night in a dim cafe. Words that will never be spoken.
Other nights, louder, and bolder.
Laughter and unconditional loyalty.
All gone. I shake my head.

This time around things are broken.
Tables are turned, bridges are burned.
I hold on to what I am compelled to fix
Yet am pulled toward what I'm terrified to grasp

Maybe we're all leaves.
Maybe we all drift about on this ground
to the will of God's breath
us in all of our colors, with our own crunching sounds
failing to cling to our branches when He calls us.

I'm golden. You're scarlet.
You just happen to have been carried to the same pile
raked together by an invisible gardener, keeping His land in order
planning for the next spring.

8th World Wonder

I remember the first time you made me blush

walking towards me with a giddy, childish look

I spoiled your attempts to scare me

I remember the day I realized our minds-

still male and female, as night is to day-

ran on the same track

had the same destination

I remember the hour when you chose

to be by me, I could smell your skin

your smile was so sweet and I felt for the first time

wary butterflies creeping out of their self-protective cocoons

It's so funny how life changes- like this Ohio weather

you took the rain from my heart

and I try to take yours

It's so strange how it seems that we've been forever

when it's only taken  weeks for me

to wonder what's in store

only a few days to want to be yours

Days Like These

Days like these...
Are when I want to write so much.
When I want to sing- but am still getting over a cough.
And I get a text message every five minutes, so my homework goes painstakingly slow.
Not that I mind...
They are days when my room mate and I look at each other with guilty faces
Knowing that nothing productive can come out of this day-
Not with our giddy joy! Life is too beautiful these days to waste it cramming
Instead of learning
So we re-arrange everything. And make it better.
We laugh at videos, and giggle about things
That should probably take two more years to be spoken of
;)

If

What if I was wrong?
What if we were supposed to be together...
What if every day I fail you?
What if that's the way it ends

What if it didn't stop?
What if we figured things out...
What if you and I were unstoppable like the wind
What if we have the same dreams
and run across this planet as one?

He Smiles

Psycho.
She bounds up and down the hall
just because he was here for five minutes
I can't blame her
in brighter days, I'd do the same

Such a scattered mind.
Her eyes either glow
or look guiltily pensive
- transparent
I know she's thinking about him.
I know she's about to say his name
and it sounds like a song every time.
That melodious tone of being enchanted
by a man
She picks apart every word he's said to her
and every look that screamed nothing

After the high, she'll come down
to that place we all go to when we want to
believe we're wrong
because, after all, why would any of us
deserve the feelings that stir up
when he smiles?

The Door

There's a pain in my chest when I see it.
I double take. I try to project your name onto it.
You're gone this time around.
I do miss you, even if you don't deserve it.
It still smells like you when I walk by.
Ironically, I know it's new inhabitants.
"Yeah, there used to be this awful Hello Kitty wallpaper on the sink."
I'm not sure why I still care.

My heart can't let go of the hope I have for you
in this spring of your life
even though you impose winter upon others
especially one I love
Still, I'll always wish you were still behind it.
That I'd see your beautiful face when I knocked on that door.

Leaving Work

Youtube. Close.
Facebook. Close.
Nalgene? Fill it up.
Time for dinner.
I say goodbye to my boss and put in my headphones.
I take the long way to the punching machine- the way that takes me to the grass, instead of the stairs.
My bare feet delight in it.
The click and bang of the machine tells me I can be myself again. No more being quiet and acceptable.
Flag football. That's what's going on in the field I walk by... they are so muddy...
Closer to my building, I see the fine purple dust of fallen leaves that have been trodden on by hundreds of students. It would make a great photograph... if only I had a camera...
Where's my best friend when I need him?
After climbing two flights of stairs and spilling my thoughts, my brain has gone full circle.

I'm hungry...

Feather

Walking in the rain
Umbrella in my hand
I feel so insane
Its like eating sand
Hair is blowing in my face
I wish it was yours
I wish you were near

Could we hit rewind?
Could we try to find
The last time we had this weather
when you held me?

It takes two to tangle
But just one to mangle
A web of heartbeats
Can we fix this house of cards?
I just want to show you
I could really know you
If you let me in
We can sweep up these shards

Dodging sorry looks now
You’re dodging me just how
You would a kick in the face
I suppose running is your job but
You can’t live life that way
Steal my heart back
Don’t give it away

Don’t land like a feather
On top of my stack
And like a Jenga piece
Let me fall through the cracks

It takes two to tangle
But just one to mangle
A web of heartbeats
Can we fix this house of cards?
I just want to show you
I could really know you
If you let me in
We can sweep up these shards

Just hear me out
I’ll only say it once
Then you can go
If I’m not the one
And if you need
A hand to hold
I’ll be right here
Cuz it’s getting cold

So Bold

I’m tired of pasting on this smile
To make you see me
And that I miss everything we had
And everything we should be
I’m sick of playing like
Everything’s ok
I could be more poetic
But isn’t life one big cliché?

So don’t be shocked if you see
What’s really inside this time
Yeah I’m gonna be

Standing out side your window
My tears falling like September rain
Cuz your eyes drive me wind
Them being gone makes me insane
I’m scream your name how ever much
It takes to make you hear, and touch your soul
I try this just one more time baby
If I may be so bold

I’m tired of trying not to care
To make you want me
And maybe I should walk away
But that’s how we got here
Your voice in like a cadence
I walk to every day
I could go on that path forever
If you’d just walk my way

So don’t be shocked if you see
What’s really inside this time
Yeah I’m gonna be


Standing out side your window
My tears falling like September rain
Cuz your eyes drive me wind
Them being gone makes me insane
I’m scream your name how ever much
It takes to make you hear, and touch your soul
I try this just one more time baby
If I may be so bold

So meet me in the moonlight
In an empty café
Kiss me like you won’t stop
To tell me we’re ok
I wish that I could go back
And make up for lost time
But all we have is now
Can we give it one more try?

Standing out side your window
My tears falling like September rain
Cuz your eyes drive me wind
Them being gone makes me insane
I’m scream your name how ever much
It takes to make you hear, and touch your soul
I try this just one more time baby
If I may be so bold

Utter Confusion

Words.
Words fly past my ears, beyond my reach to comprehend... as I sit, breathless, forgetting I need oxygen to think.
It's like someone knocked the wind out of me.
Then he sets his fist down on the table hard.
Sorry buddy, I'm trying...
I really couldn't think yesterday. It was like like a sheet was over my head, muffling the sounds of my life. I couldn't hear the din of the cafeteria, or the whistles and manly yells of football practice. I didn't hear the band practicing over the hill... I hardly heard my ipod, serenading me via Enrique Iglesias and some wonderful Indian music a friend gave me. Everything is tuned out.
My body was dragging itself to where it needed to be, while my soul remained in a safer, past place.
Today was different. Everything was great. I woke up feeling like a million bucks- and I woke up late (Which is a surprise, if you know me- and a triumph if you're one of my friends who teases me about it). I ate alone, but happily. I swallowed my pride and took the scorning of my voice teacher.
It's just so odd.

You and I

The symptoms of a girl
falling in love
are waking up early on an autumn Saturday
just because the sun is cradling her heart in the sky
filtering in her window
through golden leaves
Listening to Ingrid Michelson
while brushing her teeth
and thinking
 maybe this would be our song someday
Pausing to write down her thoughts
even though she has but twenty minutes
to fix her hair
put clothes on
and start her day
She doesn't care

Duerme Te

The meaning isn't as important and the tenor voice pouring our over the background of calm notes played
on black and white keys.
It's a lullaby.
An invitation to nod off into a state of perfect peace and trust.
The song of a father.
I think about the little boy I saw in the cafeteria today. He was thin and wide eyed. Brown eyed. He followed his daddy around amidst the clamour of college kids thinking only of themselves and being late to class.
I also think about a little boy I knew last summer. He was friendly, spunky, athletic, and mature beyond his five years.
Daddy had been gone for a while. He was told that daddy was a bad man who did bad things.
Now, in his case I believe it. I know his situation.
But I've also seen daddy be pushed away and made into a monster when all he wanted was to be there.

For me, my father is one of the only men I trust. I can tell him anything, and I know that he's gonna give me a fair shot at whatever I need to say.
Anything that reminds me of him makes me feel like I'm home- old school Steven Curtis Chapman music, Star Wars, the smell of Eight O'Clock brand Colombian coffee. And any guy I meet that shares a part of his personality seems to be one that I befriend.
Some of the best memories are from so long ago- when my little brother and I could go to work with him.
We pretended the car was a space ship, and that we could shoot storm troopers out the windows. We'd go to McDonalds' and get strawberry milkshakes. And not just in the warm weather.
My brother and I would go in February- we'd drink our milkshakes while wrapped up in a giant green and purple fleece blanket that was always kept in the trunk. Music would be blaring, and the windows would be down as a six and four  year old tried to catch blizzarding snowflakes that gleamed in the dim highway lights.
I'm sure our mom would have yelled at him.
But we didn't tell.
I'm not entirely sure if I could imagine- or if I even want to imagine- a life without him.
I'd have missed out on some good movies, some good coffee, and I'd have horrible taste in music.
Aside from those things, I'd have no idea what to expect from any man. I'd have no faith. I'd have had nobody to listen to me when I was growing up. What if his presence in my life had been erased and instead I'd been sitting in my room, playing with Barbies for those seven hours? What if instead of having an ear to listen, I'd been left to fend for myself?
I'd probably be a statistic. I'd be stereotypical. I'd be pat of the 40% of American children who live in a home where there is no father.  Forty percent. Almost half. Almost half of all the children in America today don't hear the keys jingling in the door just before dinner. Almost half of the little boys don't have an example to follow, and someont to tech them to throw, kick, and dunk.
Almost half of the little girls will never see what a man is.
Hence, the enormous problems we see in today's youth.
Having lived the later part of my growing up years in the city of Akron, I've seen not only families torn by divorce- but ones never whole because of a continued cycle of men not showing their sons how to act, because they left- and the sons and children- and leave. It's not something only prevalent in African- American culture- it's a religious, economical, and mental issue.
With Akron being on the lower end of the economical scale, I'd venture to say that the greater part of my high school graduating class came from a broken home.
The repercussions of it are very clear- I dare say they range from lack of academic motivation, to the number of pregnancies we see in high schools.

Then my mind goes elsewhere- literally. In the last week, I've been in awe of the closeness and interdependence that some cultures and groups have- so I fire up this old IBM at my cold, basement work study job and find out it looks like- once again- perhaps there is a bigger picture.
One connected to the US. (What a surprise...)
With the US, Puerto Rico, Russia, Canada, and the UK floating at the top of the charts, and Ecuador, El Salvador, Chile, Mexico, Italy, Brazil, and Jamaica at the bottom, it puts a more organized spin on divorce.
Why? What are the reasons for this?
Here we have the highest rate. Is it because we are completely founded upon the idea that freedom is the ultimate thing? Women are starting to believe that they don't need men. Men are starting to believe that since women can apparently do anything, they don't need to step up and take charge.
In fact, no body NEEDS anybody.
We don't need friends. We don't need fulfilling relationships. We definitely don't need God.
It's all about me. What I want. The strength I have. MY power.

It's disgusting.
We need each other. We need support, and friends, and love, and faith.
Call me a freaking hippie. I don't care.
And children need two parents.




I realize that this post kinda rambles and isn't totally connected. it doesn't really have a point. Or a message.
But maybe it does.

Just an ordinary morning

Tiny bits of water land in my hair.
Most people call that rain.
But it's not. It's like... almost rain. It's spit. God is spitting on us. I have no idea why.
I hold my coffee cup, and hold myself- shivering. The warm, hollow smell of the decaffeinated drink makes me smile.
It's not the same as its more exotic, well-rounded, charismatic cousin who drives me wild.
But my friends yell at me when I consort with that type. True, I do lose myself and my heart races all day...
but isn't it worth the short while I can taste it?
I should turn back and sit with those few friends that I smiled at a few friends who have about as much desire to be awake right now as I do. We should bitch about the weather together. That sounds nice.
But I've got to go. I have a date.
Not with a male, with myself.
I'm off to write and read. (Clearly, since you're reading this)
I feel... like a hipster. Gah.
When did this happen to me? I refuse to become one.
it doesn't help that I wore a scarf and really weird looking shoes today. Or that I'm sitting in a hammock with my laptop. Adrienne is going to shake her head at this all.
Ahhhhh I could fall asleep right here. I could use a nap.
At 9:36 AM? Yeah. Right. Maybe I should refrain from having deep, meaningful conversations at 2 AM.
THAT could help.
Earlier, when I walked down the cafeteria steps I thought this blog post was a great idea.
Now I'm not so sure.
I had so many awesome analogies and stories thought up.
Whatever...
I'm just gonna pretend that I don't have class in an hour, and try to sleep some more...

Haiku?

Señal
Signal, sign
The sun shines- the first time, in your smile as you walk by
the second time in the sky, as the clouds let God smile on me

What Have I Done Today?

Well, I woke up. Many times.
I couldn't seem to stay resting after my eyes opened for the first time. Daylight- sunlight, at that- penetrated the awful dream I'd been having.
So I climbed down from my tree like a giant sloth and searched for my shower shoes.
Half an hour later, I'm almost ready to go eat. My friend, Adrienne, yells at me for my undying need to eat at precise times. I, on the other hand, think people who can command their stomach to be content are bizarre.
Disappointment strikes when I see that all they have in the cafeteria are cold hash browns and... is that ham?
I settle for Lucky Charms. Well, a less awesome version of them, at least.
Luck and charm. Both things I could use.
I brought my bible and my journal with me, just as I do everyday. It's not to be a good girl, it's just because I know I'll sit alone and looking like a bookish, wholesome person is marginally better then looking like a loser.
Instead of staring at beautiful men under the guise of writing, today I went back to my room to finish my Spanish homework. Ahh, beautiful major classes. I love doing homework when I actually want to absorb it. The problem is that I wind up being diligent in Spanish 201, but I haven't even started three other papers I'm supposed to be doing.
Soy muy malo, y perezosa. . . jajaja. . .  solo un poquito. . .
I've had this song stuck in my head all day. It's by one of my favorite bands- He is We. It's called All About Us. The video is about a couple who stills follows through with a relationship even though the girl has cancer. it kind of makes me want to cry; the song itself is about dancing. Perhaps metaphorically. But that aspect makes me smile. It makes me want to tango better.
Oh, there's my friend now, to scare the heck out if me in the process of giving me a hug!
Her tired eyes are glowing. After three days of being bedriddenly ill, a boy has made her magically better.
So homework is on hold.
Fast forward ten minutes, and it's time to walk to chapel. Which I honestly wouldn't mind if it wasn't all the way in Russia. But now it's over and done- and would you look at that! I'm hungry again!
Stuffed peppers, steamed broccolli, olives, french bread pizza... cafeteria workers must be in a good mood today. I look around my table, at my girls. We're such a diverse group. Not in the usual sense, but in the fact that we don't really make sense as a whole.
Diedre the workaholic in love. Adrienne the healing worrywart. Becca the free spirit. Britney the adorable and underestimated. There's two Hannah's- both radically different. Lukke the...
oh wait, when did he get there?
He always appears when you least expect it. At the table. In the doorway. it always scares me to death.
Do I just scare easily, perhaps?
I've been healthy enough. Time for strawberry ice cream.
Oh look, it's you
You walk in with tousled jet black hair and sleepy eyes.
You wear that white v-neck t-shirt just about every day. I remember a rant I went on last year about guys that wear the same clothes every day. Somehow, your habits don't bother me.
That ice cream went too fast.
Time for work. What a beautiful day. The sun is shining, clouds are rolling past... people are smiling... I almost expect to see a Dalmatian run across the perfect grass. It's like a neat little American neighborhood. It keeps some semblance of order in our confusing, ever twisting lives.
Now I've listened to He is We for the past hour. I have goosebumps on my legs, which are propped up on the computer under the desk because the mechanical heat is comforting.
There's been nothing to do for the past hour. It's 3:43.  I like number s like that, which begin and end with the same number.
I've thought of several things to do with tape. One is a sucessful way to take the little bit of concealer I have off. Another is to make my glasses geeky.
I've also seen the light in the whole paper clips vs. staples drama. A professor I work for despises staples because they are a waste. Paper clips are reusable. I'm all for that. Save the metal trees!
I remember when I was little I used to watch Animal Planet, and soak up all sorts of cool facts about things that lived in the Amazon and its surrounding rainforests. At the Cleveland Zoo, there's an animated table that is a rainforest. Then it gets smokey, and suddenly the trees are gone and in their place are workers and fork lifts and other machines.
I remember peeking over that table to watch with my little brown eyes- wondering how they did that. It made me so sad for all the little animals. As a little girl, I was a hardcore environmentalist. For some reason as I reach adulthood, I scoff the people who passionate about conservation. I have no idea why. I should probably change that about myself.
For the fifth time in the last hour, I'm listening to All About Us.
I really ought to just leave. But then I wouldn't get paid...
but if I left, I could go to the soccer game on time...

Gah. My eyes hurt.
Only two minutes have past since I wrote that last line. I'm so cold... and... hungry.
My gum is turning papery, too...

Mi Cielo

I have this script:
our eyes meet, I look down;
the one boy I want to talk to leaves me at a loss for words
there's this monologue in my head, every time you walk away
you fool, why didn't you ask him to stay?
It's a bilingual jumble of our story
and the one we might never write
It's a picture, a reel. A movie in my mind.
I can see us sitting on the sidewalk
and you stopping the words from leaving my mouth
with your lips, with your beautiful tongue
after making me sea-sick with your honey colored gaze
laced with emerald that matches the grass we sit in.
The grass that will disappear in a month or so
after surrendering to the Ohio winter.
Will we disappear in a month?
If I never get the nerve to say hello in this cafe...
wait, that line has already been used.
It's never enough. There's nothing left to say
that hasn't already worn out its welcome;
nothing left to rehearse in my head-
it has to come out.
The sorry. The I need you. The I want those moonlit nights back.
It's too late now. At least for today.
You in your cozy sweatshirt
and worn out shoes
are walking away.
lo siento, mi cielo
maybe tomorow.

Adored

yesterday his name left my lips
like a song over played on the radio
you used to dance to it all night
now all you hear are the same flat lines
it's time for me to feel somethin'
a whole different world
one that I can find inside my own
there's nothin like the love of The One
but nothin' like the arms that hold you when he's gone

and I'm sorry
but today I'm gonna sing again
I'm sorry
there's something in his eyes, you can't contend
I'm sorry
someone's heart will sync to your drum
I'm sorry
you can't expect me to wait and hum
while you make up your mind

yesterday I saw closer, those windows
like two mirrors into a life with less sacrifice
of the things I know are right in my soul
and those eyes make this verse never get old
it's time that I set you free
cuz I know without me, you could fly
it's not that it hasn't been fun, darling
but there's a beginning after every goodbye


and I'm sorry
but today I'm gonna sing again
I'm sorry
there's something in his eyes, you can't contend
I'm sorry
someone's heart will sync to your drum
I'm sorry
you can't expect me to wait and hum
while you make up your mind


and I ... I
wish this wasn't about me
and I... I
hope that someday you will see
don't cry... I
know that you deserve much more
I... know that you will be adored



and I'm sorry
but today I'm gonna sing again
I'm sorry
there's something in his eyes, you can't contend
I'm sorry
someone's heart will sync to your drum
I'm sorry
you can't expect me to wait and hum
while you make up your mind

I dreampt of your smile last night
the way the moonlight plays
off of your shining eyes
I wished I could breathe you in
then remembered I was too late again
and that your heart had already gone

Now it's been weeks since I spoke to you
months since you spoke to me
I don't wanna be alone in holding on
but I'm holding to this rule of three
and I know I can't tell your heart
what to think when we're a part
but I'd give anything
just for something

I heard you were doin' alright
lovin' every day
wish I could be by your side
I wish I could hear your sweet song
you laughter and your hands
is that part of us forever gone?


Now it's been weeks since I spoke to you
months since you spoke to me
I don't wanna be alone in holding on
but I'm holding to this rule of three
and I know I can't tell your heart
what to think when we're a part
but I'd give anything
just for something

Wind

You run like the wind

I stumble on uneven pavement

I've seen too many things

and there are toys you still play with

I laugh inside at your face

you laugh out loud at the things I say

I catch your eye

now we're in line

I've walked away so many times before

tonight don't let me go out that door

if I'm wrong, love, then do let me go

but I want a reason to stay 

and I want you to know I want you

I live my life plain

yet still lose my faith

you do what you want

but still seek God some days

I want to see the things you've been

I want to be all the places you've seen

we could be wrong

I pray we're alright

I've walked away so many times before

tonight don't let me go out that door

if I'm wrong, love, then do let me go

but I want a reason to stay 

and I want you to know I want you

this could be our last chance

between us, you're the expert

but I'll be the one to ask you to dance

I've walked away so many times before

tonight don't let me go out that door

if I'm wrong, love, then do let me go

but I want a reason to stay 

and I want you to know I want you

Roof

One moment in time
seems like you could erase
make everything go back
to the way it was meant to be
one beat of your heart
one look on her face
it was a start
now you're goin' no place

but don't think think that the end is drawing near
there's still a reflection looking back in your mirror

cuz when the sun goes down
on all your dreams
it's not gonna be as bad
as it would seem
cuz when you're out on the bench
you can see what play you need to make next
and as for me I don't understand
but you know I'll try my best

you missed some signs
but faith kept your pace
and there's nothing you lack
but there's still empty space
I can't take it up
can't tell you what to do
I can't unbreak your heart
but I'll try to help you through


but don't think think that the end is drawing near
there's still a reflection looking back in your mirror

cuz when the sun goes down
on all your dreams
it's not gonna be as bad
as it would seem
cuz when you're out on the bench
you can see what play you need to make next
and as for me I don't understand
but you know I'll try my best

no matter what road you're travelling
here there will always be a roof
and when you're mind's unravelling
I'll tell you the truth


but don't think think that the end is drawing near
there's still a reflection looking back in your mirror

cuz when the sun goes down
on all your dreams
it's not gonna be as bad
as it would seem
cuz when you're out on the bench
you can see what play you need to make next
and as for me I don't understand
but you know I'll try my best

The sky is a pensive purple, darkening in the twilight.
The air is sticky and thick like a rain forest, yet bites a little as if it were October here in Ohio, and not July.
Just a little bit of thunder rolls around the edges of the atmosphere I can see. Lightening bugs bumble around like nervous musicians waiting to go onstage.
I can no longer hear the bass shaking the floor boards. I can no longer here jumping and cackling and clamour.
All I hear is the distant highway- it's faded roar provides a slate for my mind to write on.
Somewhere up there the thunder is parted to the sound of a jet engine. I can't see it, but I can't help but wonder-
who's on it? A father coming back from deployment to meet his son for the first time? Business men who make the trip every week? A family that's had enough, and will start over again where ever they land? Maybe it's just... a confused person, like me. Maybe she's sitting there looking at clouds and pondering the height she's at. Perhaps it distracts her from the million things on her mind.
It could be going anywhere... from Chicago, to Tel Aviv.
And I'm just sitting here. Escaping the inevitable.

Again

My tired head listens to the buzzin
of my computer, feels it's heat
just like the warmth of you
sittin next to me
and our fingers laced together behind my back
so the rest of the world can't see

Come be with me
come laugh again
just stay by my side
anytime, just say when
simply look in my eyes
barely touch my face
and when you walk away
lemme see that slow pace

I squeal at things I can't handle
your arm goes around me, you kiss my cheek
I don't want you to leave now
cuz I'm gonna be
thinkin' of you for a while
smilin' like it's never goin' out of style


Come be with me
come laugh again
just stay by my side
anytime, just say when
simply look in my eyes
barely touch my face
and when you walk away
lemme see that slow pace

meet me in the cafe
cue the moonlight baby
let chairs and tables stand as witness
to all we have shared


Come be with me
come laugh again
just stay by my side
anytime, just say when
simply look in my eyes
barely touch my face
and when you walk away
lemme see that slow pace

Hasta Luego

There's a simple, yet sad peace you get when you know that you've had your last chance with someone you hold dear. There's an emptiness... and an affirmation.
You are only certain of one end. No beginnings are in sight. All you have are those mentally dog-eared pictures in the back of your mind. The black and whites that replay over and over, as you search the background for some evidence that it was all real, or that it could be real once again.
Typically, every song on the radio is about you two. To it you sort through every word whispered, to find where you went wrong.
Sometimes you'll find that moment... sometimes you won't. The lucky few get to see the moment they walked away, or the cutting words that ended the other's dreams.
Me?
I just see darkness. I see our faces. I see my heart beating in rebellion to my head.
Oh, had I simply put to rest common sense, I might know all that could have been.
Instead I lay and wonder
until we meet again.

Around Me

laughin at the way I throw like a girl
darting behind the door, smiling at the floor
tryin not to let you see I wanted to come in
so we talked a played and you never
invited me in

but I saw a surprise in your eyes
when his arms were around me
I didn't know he was there
but you almost looked scared

a shiver down my spine
I figured it out, then it was fine
I giggled at my fear
I trembled once with him so near
then you walked away

I saw a flash of pain over what
I had not intended
could it be that his  sick joke
has left us ended?

oh, oh steal me away
oh, oh fight for my heart, take me today
oh, oh I swear you're the one I want
don't let him win, don't let him win

On And On

the words you said 
I'm blockin from my newsfeed
my mental re runs are gonna go off-aire
when the lights go off
I might shudder for a second
but I'll grow up now
cuz I can't be scared


The streets I walk on are littered with pieces of you heartbeat.
 The air I breathe carries your soundless sweet song.
you wove our story like an Indian tapestry
and then with one loose thread you unraveled me
and I go on and on
lost without the rhythm of us
on and on 
you held me together and now I must
go on


you told me you missed me
that's the last I've heard
I'll assume you'll run away now
like a little boy should
Next time I'll find a man
I won't fall so fast
knock on wood



The streets I walk on are littered with pieces of you heartbeat.
 The air I breathe carries your soundless sweet song.
you wove our story like an Indian tapestry
and then with one loose thread you unraveled me
and I go on and on
lost without the rhythm of us
on and on 
you held me together and now I must
go on


on and on
like a river spilling into the sea
on and on 
I'll let a flood of life cover me
on and on 
I'll find who I was meant to be
without you
I'll go on,  but



The streets I walk on are littered with pieces of you heartbeat.
 The air I breathe carries your soundless sweet song.
you wove our story like an Indian tapestry
and then with one loose thread you unraveled me
and I go on and on
lost without the rhythm of us
on and on 
you held me together and now I must
go on

Eraser

I can recall when
every lovin' word and
every tainted look was for me


walkin down the dark path
didn't think you had it
in you to run away like you did


left me in the cold no
left me to myself oh
you're so wreckless, and then welcoming


Go ahead.
 Erase me from your life.
 Let me blow away off the paper in your wind, 
and get lost in the lyrics a thousand poets have unwritten.
Tales of torture, sadness, distance, madness.
 Let me add to the number- as long as you always remember 
the song of my heart.


you're like a little child when 
you ring the doorbell and then
I open up and you've gone away


are you giggling in the bushes?
are your friends your crutches?
do you simply not know what to say?


I would be so bold though
to just take a hold of
your collar and kiss you anyway




Go ahead.
 Erase me from your life.
 Let me blow away off the paper in your wind, 
and get lost in the lyrics a thousand poets have unwritten.
Tales of torture, sadness, distance, madness.
 Let me add to the number- as long as you always remember 
the song of my heart.


Don't walk down this street anymore
I'm lockin all the windows, hiding the keys to the door
don't bother callin this phone
you know I won't answer
you know I'm not home






Go ahead.
 Erase me from your life.
 Let me blow away off the paper in your wind, 
and get lost in the lyrics a thousand poets have unwritten.
Tales of torture, sadness, distance, madness.
 Let me add to the number- as long as you always remember 
the song of my heart.

It's Too Late

drivin away for the first time
not sayin what was on my mind
a flash of life, a heartbeat
something so right

you looked back and it would be too long
til I saw you again

it's too late
to tell you that I need you
it's too late
to hold you one last time
it's too late to be under the stars
one more night
but it'll be all right

saying goodbye the second time
we'd leave it all behind that night
what a beautiful day
when you lifted my face
to yours for the first time

I saw your tear and knew it would end
but I didn't care back then


it's too late
to tell you that I need you
it's too late
to hold you one last time
it's too late to be under the stars
one more night
but it'll be all right

watching your face the last time
keeping distance, biding time
realizing two feet is too far
to be away from you

I walked away cuz I knew you were gone
what I would have done for one last kiss


it's too late
to tell you that I loved you
it's too late
to hold you one last time
it's too late to be under the stars
one more night
but it's gotta be alright

For You (I'd Do it Anyhow)

Your brown eyes still fade out of my dream when I wake up and you're not there
I still see you sleeping with your mop of messed up hair
I can feel the coldness of that June night
the eight hours that  I froze because you couldn't hold me tight

and I want to feel alive again
I wanna rewind back, to the times when

I was yours, and the world disappeared
that one summer that I lost all my fears
now it's impossible, miles made sure of that, my dear
We couldn't go back now
but I'd do it anyhow

now his brown eyes fill up my days, and yesteryear
I'm changing, my hearts breaking in different ways- my future's unclear
the only thing worse than lovin' someone in a far off land
is having them right beside you and not being able to hold their hand


and I want to feel alive again
I wanna rewind back, to the times when

I was yours, and the world disappeared
that one summer that I lost all my fears
now it's impossible, miles made sure of that, my dear
We couldn't go back now
but I'd do it anyhow


and I want to feel alive again
I wanna rewind back, to the times when

Last Wish

walking in your shadow
so long as headlights come toward us
the gentle rain falls
you've got her on the phone
as I step alone silently
this is so wrong
I should be holding your hand
we should be owning this land

So many songs I've written
So many things to choose
to tell you I feel
but this time I might lose
cuz if I tell you I want
just one more night
what would you do baby?
what would you choose?

my head says reliently
that I'm fine
my heartbeat drums defiantly
just hold me one more time
staring at the stars
you're twelve inches away
but they're closer than we are
you left my love in yesterdays


So many songs I've written
So many things to choose
to tell you I feel
but this time I might lose
cuz if I tell you I want
just one more night
what would you do baby?
what would you choose?

just grant me one last wish
right here, where we met
could we have just one last kiss?
keep me safe by your side
until morning light
then I can forget


So many songs I've written
So many things to choose
to tell you I feel
but this time I might lose
cuz if I tell you I want
just one more night
what would you do baby?
what would you choose?

Whistle

The morning fog is thick like a lighting forest
somewhere south of where my head rests at night
but my heart rests perfectly in your presence
and when you're gone I know it's classic but it bites

I don't want freedom- I want trapped in you
I don't want everything- what I need is just us two

sometimes I blow this whistle like I'm callin a time out
on my heartbeat- I just can't take it
or maybe I just realized I crossed the line again
sometimes I sit in silence not movin
and then blame the weather
for the chill I'm feeling
but I'm not going anywhere

Forever

Lookin towards the road that goes on and on
No perfect town, no port, no planet to land on
I don’t know if you just make me smile
Or if I fell in love
But maybe I don’t need to know
Maybe time will tell, maybe eyes will show

And if we’re not forever
Don’t let your heart break
Cuz nothing that happens
Is ever a mistake
If we’re not forever
Well it’ll have to be ok
Cuz right now’s all we really ever have anyway

Tryina get it all right the first time
I fell once or twice, you picked me up like the sun
Every word you say and whisper just makes me smile
And when you’re gone
I can’t help but cry a little while
Maybe you’ll stay near, maybe I’ll go

And if we’re not forever
Don’t let your heart break
Cuz nothing that happens
Is ever a mistake
If we’re not forever
Well it’ll have to be ok
Cuz right now’s all we really ever have anyway


And in ten years I can’t see it
But maybe that’s alright, love
Cuz maybe God wants me to blindly  trust the
Plans he has for us
And maybe our paths will never let us
Meet again in this life…
 but that’s ok
We’re here tonight



And if we’re not forever
Don’t let your heart break
Cuz nothing that happens
Is ever a mistake
If we’re not forever
Well it’ll have to be ok
Cuz right now’s all we really ever have anyway

Stray

I gotta flee this cage and
Shake off all the leaves
In this dense city
Of paper trust and heart thieves
I gotta find a place to be free
I gotta find my own brand of America
Gotta find a life less hysterical
Somewhere I can truly believe.

Someday I’ll fly away
Look out of the window
Watch it all fade as it stays
Behind me as I move forward
Without knowing what’s in store
I can’t wait until my heart breaks
Pretty soon I’m gonna go
Yeah, I’m gonna be a stray

Away from deceptive smiles and
Traffic, and concrete things
Oh what a pity
We get trapped  inside these
Self imposed locks with such ease
I need a floor big enough so I can truly dance
I need sky so blue I can fill up without romance
Somewhere I am all that I need

Someday I’ll fly away
Look out of the window
Watch it all fade as it stays
Behind me as I move forward
Without knowing what’s in store
I can’t wait until my heart breaks
Pretty soon I’m gonna go
Yeah, I’m gonna be a stray



I’m sorry I you can’t be it
I’m sorry, but just please quit
Tryin to make me fit a mold
I’ve never done what I’ve been told



Someday I’ll fly away
Look out of the window
Watch it all fade as it stays
Behind me as I move forward
Without knowing what’s in store
I can’t wait until my heart breaks
Pretty soon I’m gonna go
Yeah, I’m gonna be a stray

Hit Play

Let’s  rewind as if I wasn’t a fool and it wasn’t too late
To change my mind and tell you I wanted you, and that our love was fate
Cuz I dream about you and I think about you it’s a constant fight
To get your eyes out of my head and fall asleep every single night

And I wanna know if you’re lookin at the moon, thinking bout how I see it too
And I wann know what’s your heart these days, yeah I want the truth

But don’t tell me
I’m six feet off the ground
Just smile love
Don’t tell me you don’t need me
Don’t bring me down
Believe in
The here and now
When we’re together
we’ll make it somehow
Maybe it’s too late
Or maybe we could just just hit play

Let’s fast forward to acity with tall street lights isn’t it great?
To a place in our lives where we’re the only ones, and it isn’t too late
To call you mine, to be alright, to see your life
But you’re half gone, I know it’s wrong, can we make it alright?

And I wanna know if you’re thinking about what we could have been
And I wanna know if you wish that I could understand

But don’t tell me
I’m six feet off the ground
Just smile love
Don’t tell me you don’t need me
Don’t bring me down
Believe in
The here and now
When we’re together
we’ll make it somehow
Maybe it’s too late
Or maybe we could just  hit play

If you have to stop, please don’t say it in plain English,
Don’t cut me off so cold
If we can be, please just show me in any way
In every way
Take my breath away

But don’t tell me
I’m six feet off the ground
Just smile love
Don’t tell me you don’t need me
Don’t bring me down
Believe in
The here and now
When we’re together
we’ll make it somehow
Maybe it’s too late
Or maybe we could just just hit play

When I Tell You I Miss You

When I tell you I miss you
It’s not out of habit
It’s to let you know you cross my mind every minute
Of evey day
When I tell you I miss you
It’s not to make conversation
It’s to try to show my elation
At the very words you speak

Cuz I miss your voice
And your laughter
I miss you smile
Your arms
- in evey possible way
I miss your faces
And the silly things we do
All the little things that make me me
When I’m with you

When I tell you I miss you
It’s not to drive a point home
It’s to let you see I’m thinking
Of every game we used to play
When I tell you that I miss you
It’s not to be dramatic
Only to claim how drastically
Dull my world is when you’re not here

Cuz I miss your voice
And your laughter
I miss you smile
Your arms
- in evey possible way
I miss your faces
And the silly things we do
All the little things that make me me
When I’m with you

Your sounds fade slowly
From my memory
I need to hear you speak
In your own melody
Your eyes get darker as I
Lose grip on what they told me
I die a little inside when I forget
How it used to feel when you’d hold me

Cuz I miss your voice
And your laughter
I miss you smile
Your arms
- in evey possible way
I miss your faces
And the silly things we do
All the little things that make me me
When I’m with you

Wreckage

Letting tears fall again
Running up the stairs again
Thinking bout what could have been
Regretting every word I hadn’t said

The stars are reaching down again
I think they wanna be my friends
I’m tied down by my own chains
These concrete walls drive me insane

I don’t know what to do with myself
Anymore, anymore
Something’s gotta give
Somethings gonna break
I could run away and leave this all behind but
What would I take away-ay, what would I take away?

Realizing all love
that I ignored
Thinking bout the things I’ve yelled
Every stomp on the floor

The wind is driving me again
Whispering go south for this winter
The heavy snow falls all around me
Melted by my rage

I don’t know what to do with myself
Anymore, anymore
Something’s gotta give
Somethings gonna break
I could run away and leave this all behind but
What would I take away-ay, what would I take away?


I need a savior
A face, a love
I need arms to hold me
Grace to smile from above
Candidly I’ll tell you
If you take the time to ask
This beautiful wreckage
Needs to mend at last

I don’t know what to do with myself
Anymore, anymore
Something’s gotta give
Somethings gonna break
I could run away and leave this all behind but
What would I take away-ay, what would I take away?

They're no older than twelve... standing with one hip out, as if they're Beyonce.

Two girls clamour through the dusty isles. One wears a short jeans skirt, the other bright blue stretch shorts. They're no older than twelve. Yet they stand with one hip out, as if they're Beyonce. They talk as if perhaps eighteen or even forty years had made them bitter and harsh. One yells at someone one the other end of her cell phone.
A Hispanic couple bickers playfully. He sets a box on her head. She glares at him. If I had a man that tall, dark and handsome, I'd make sure not to look at him that way. Yet he just chuckles at her scowl and says something in cheerful Spanish slang.
A mother and her daughter dash to the crowded check out. Both look weary- but still put their food on the belt; pinto beans, bacon, small pasta I'd considered  buying earlier, and fresh tomatoes and spinach. I'm so tempted to ask her what she's making. 
Another man- tall, and with blonde hair that had been dyed orange in two spots talks on the phone, as he limps along. He's barely comprehensible, due to a speech impediment. I'm not sure if it's that, or a mental handicap. He darts around without focus.
Well, I guess I do that, too... so it doesn't really matter, now does it?
A pale, blonde young mother pushes around the token firetruck car, dressed to the Salvation Army hilt. Her son babbles on, ignored by her distraction of the week's meals. His fluffy golden hair and dark skin are both unique and beautiful. His father, an African American man, joins them.
The cashier finally gets to our items. Apple sauce (which I live on), tortilla chips (five bags- my brother drinks them like water), popcicles (it's summer), and grapes ( I don't care if I die of being poisoned by Mexican pesticides... I need my grapes.). She chews her cud with vengeance. I suppose I'd do the same if I were standing in one place taking peoples' filthy cash for hours. I'd chew whatever necessary to my staying awake to get paid.
Finally leaving, I inhale this side of town. I sure do miss it. The damp, toasty night air carries a faint scent of cigarettes. Comforting, oddly.

The Bench

 It's hard to believe almost six years have passed since this place meant something to me.
It's been six years since I had my heart broken for the first time.
Funny, how it was the end of the world then...
And now my world has turned completely around.

The bench is blue, with a grey, worn-out cushion. Which dips down from having been sat on by one too many a child. I used to sit there, curled up, and watch older boys play basketball. Their squeaky shoes and Old Spice smells were... enchanting. Anything is obviously enchanting when you're fifteen. And yes, I discovered this before Taylor Swift came along.
I fell for the lines. The bait and switch. The wry smile that turned around and graced another girl.

Now it's been empty of me for an entire year. College has taken me even further from the places that remind me of him. There are new hims. And new hers that heal my heart. Which is also new- with different dreams, different loves, and different ideas. These days, I couldn't care less about those cold, stone blue eyes. In fact, all blue eyes scare me. It's the difference between night and day, blue and brown. In blue you can see clearly- lust, bitterness, apathy... in brown you can see only laughter or sorrow. You can get lost.

You can see a tornado coming before twilight- but in the nighttime, you only feel the wind.
You can feel safer losing yourself in an unknown where you just trust, just feel.

Now I look out from this bench and see all colors, darting around shrieking. The little boys play basketball, nearly trampling the tiny ones kicking volleyballs- as the girls toss a soccer ball back and forth. Such chaos. Such beautiful ignorance.
One boy stands all by himself, shooting to an imaginary point on the wall. His dark eyes are lonely. He's waiting for his best friend. Suddenly it's the moment he's been waiting for. Three feet of energy burst into the gym, with ears that stick out of his sandy blond hair. They laugh and giggle and make jet engines out of blocks.
I wonder what else this bench has seen. Perhaps a stolen first kiss? Maybe a winning point no one was brave enough to make in front of an animate audience.
I guess we'll never know.

You

You.

I miss you, and your ridiculous face.
The way you laugh at nothing. The way I do, too.

You.

I miss your criticism.
The skeptical look in your eyes. The way we’re opposites

You.

I miss your laughter.
The way your presence makes my day. The way you make me smile back.

You.

I miss your creepiness.
The way we out do each other. How weird it must look to anyone watching.

You.

I miss your shortness.
The way you’re so patient amidst our craziness. The way you keep us straight.

You.

I miss your tallness.
The way I hate you so much. The way we finish each others’ thoughts.

You.

I miss your honesty.
The way you make sure it’s all fair. How we balance each other out.

You.

I miss your sweetness.
The way you always cheer me up. How you’re my partner in crime.

You.

I miss your bluntness.
The way you’re not afraid. How you’re strong despite it all.

You.

I miss your eagerness.
The way you need to help. How you help people keep believing.

All of you.

I love you.
The way we were, the way we are. The things that lie ahead <3

Who Cares

You don’t wanna be perfect
You just wanna be everything to him
You don wanna have it all
You just wanna have happy
All you need’s a little time
To get where you’re headin
Maybe 20 is the magic number
But then I’m just guessin

You look into the mirror
And the shadow is queerer
Of who you thought you were
Before you’d come so far
Nearly around the world
And you got what you deserved
You turn around no body’s there
You wonder why you try to care
About the things that
Always let you go

You don’t have to be little
You just want him to hold you and fit
Perfectly
You don’t need a whole nation
But out of it isn’t there a future for you?
You cant find the next rhyme
To sing what you’re feelin
In the meantime you shoot looks
To try stealin’… at least something

You look into the mirror 

And the shadow is queerer

Of who you thought you were

Before you’d come so far

Nearly around the world

And you got what you deserved

You turn around no body’s there

You wonder why you try to care

About the things that 

Always let you go 

The things that chase you, you push out
The things that leave you, you follow
You write songs on a dark summer night
Getting out all the pride you have to swallow

You look into the mirror 

And the shadow is queerer

Of who you thought you were

Before you’d come so far

Nearly around the world

And you got what you deserved

You turn around no body’s there

You wonder why you try to care

About the things that 

Always let you go 

No song title, movie quote, of feeling can capture this

These are just trains of thought that I've had today. I do not mean it to offend any reader. I have the utmost respect for all of these people I encountered.


So many small children run around in rebellion. A middle aged man with white hair and blue eyes sits in the end chair, wearing a green polo and holding a binder- he looks conspicuous. A tiny Filipino woman eats a bag of chips, adding to her stack of wrappers. Eating for two, maybe?
An older black man sits with a bored expression- he's been here before. Habit has made him weary of the stark walls resounding with squeals and ill coughs. Numbers are shouted out by stern women who wrinkle their faces as if they PMS every day.
The people go one by one. First the girl about my age- pregnant, bleached blond, wearing Fubu. Then the man who seems that he was laid off- he smiles with his joyful eyes, from behind his tan skin. He seems honest.
I sit here, on a blue chair with my own paperwork. Me, with my flip flops and sun-kissed arms. Me with my phone. And my dad. I feel like everyone is staring at me- not because I'm beneath them- but because I've had it easier, and they know it. For a second I wish I could trade places with them. Give the little girl with beads in her hair my year of college, and my faith. Selfishly, I wish I were like them because maybe they'd accept me instead of judging me because they project superiority into me. In reality, we're all here for the same reason.

I've heard it said that to be white in America means never having to think about it.
That's so false. I think about it every day. Minorities walk on eggshells around us, almost like they're afraid... but they don't fear each other. Yet I have to be careful with ALL of them. I don't differentiate based on heritage. I see people as people. God made us, and God has no race. So why should race separate us or make us treat each other specially or with partiality?
To be white in America means watching your tongue and opinions every second, just to fight a nationwide opinion. To be white in America means having to fight even harder to be an individual. It means having to be a minority in and of yourself.

There Are Three Boys Playing soccer, in the ruins of what was once home.

There are three boys playing soccer, in the ruins of what was once home.
None of them are older than twelve. Running in the rubble and broken glass, somewhere in Tibet. There's a girl, maybe 16, crying behind her jewelry- her father on one side, her best friend holding her shaking hand on the other side. You can see she does not want to be led to this man she must marry. So many Indian girls live this life- it is their duty.There is a couple nestled on a park bench in China, holding each other for who knows how long, as an older woman knits on the other end of the bench. There's a father laying in a hammock holding his giggling little boy in the air. They are the only objects inside of four chipped brick red walls in an unspecified corner of Colombia.

Steve McCurry, world renound photographic journalist, states that he's often amazed at the fact that no matter where he goes, people are so much the same.
From looking through his impressive and seemingly endless galleries, I've come to appreciate this statement and agree with it. McCurry has been to every place I've been forced to dream of. His work portrays people and environments in ways that most Americans never think of. We are presented with these cliches and stereotypes that rule our perspectives on other cultures.

In my nineteen years of life, Asia- especially China and Japan- have been presented to me as cold, industrialized, and shallow. I've never liked their food much, and I've never really been close to any individual that has lived in that hemisphere or even descended from it. I've always found Eastern religion and faith very foreign in concept- being a Christian has removed me even further from it. On that note, being in a conservative Christian environment in America has led me to judge these cultures for their parenting styles. So many commercials, organizations, and guest speakers have ingrained this sense of how horrible these people are for abandoning their baby girls- I've considered adoption in the future, because of this situation.

Everything I've been told about the world I live in is a lie.
Every view I've had of any people group is about to change. Am I responsible for my attitude previous to this day? Perhaps. But now more than ever, I'm driven to prove myself wrong.
People are the same everywhere.
In short, God has designed us for so few simple things- the desire to love, and be loved. The need to believe in something and have faith. The drive to understand our world more, and to create (However, we fall short of God's glory, and all we can create is meaningless- buildings, phones, and cars. They are useful, but not necessary. We can only reproduce what God has already designed.). Can we agree that there is not one person who does not center their life around all of these things?
From this need for love springs romance, relationships, heartbreak, family, friendship, and every perversion thereof.
Grasping for an origin, we have stemmed into hundreds of religions and created unrest in society. We have wars based upon it. We have countries based upon it. We die based upon it.
In trying to create, we have stumbled upon painting, writing, music and singing. We've navigated, explored, delved, and cut into ourselves. We look outwardly into the galaxy, and inwardly through medicine and psychology.
Show me one culture, one race that hasn't struggled to find all of these things. In America, we are no better off. Our "Christianity" has succeeded in both shutting others out and in making itself trivial. When people other other religions encounter us, they see denominations and disagreement. Not peace, and a light that indicates truth and love that Jesus has brought to those who are willing to see and experience it.
No matter what religion or social background, people all search for themselves, and their reasons. They all laugh when they are in love. None can resist the smile of a baby, no little boy can keep himself out of the mud, and off of the field- none can make him stop running. No mother desires to give up her child.


Another photograph stays in my mind. I can't recall the location, but I think it represents a global problem: a very small girl- maybe six or seven- with jet black hair and watery brown eyes wearing a blue and white dress. She's standing in front of a man. She's holding a rifle. She's a soldier. She's not old enough to read- but she is allowed to kill.
I don't understand how this is acceptable- much less a reality- anywhere. Yet it is.

So who am I to walk out of the door of a house with air conditioning, and be aggravated by the hum of a lawn mover. I've never heard the firing of a gun, or had to drink water that wasn't crystal clear.
So why on Earth do I feel to restrained and unsettled?
The fact is that we are not only ungrateful, but we also have misplaced our values. I am fortunate as a US citizen to have an education and to have rights and property. However, these are obviously not the things that satisfy human beings. People in much greater poverty than me have much greater joy than me.
Only love, exploration, and a relationship with Jesus Christ can satisfy. My unrest will never leave except through these things that every individual craves.

"I gotta get out of here
...I'm afraid that this complacency is something I can't shake...

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self-detained and forced to live in this mess I've made...

and I'm begging you to be my escape..."

-Relient K